Why Change? | by Joanne Faries

Jack took a swig of beer, leaned back in his folding chair, and sifted the poker chips through his fingers. “Are you gonna deal, or what, Casey? My luck’s changing.” The six other players muttered in agreement, shifted slightly in their seats, and hunched protectively over their cards in the cramped apartment living room.

“Hold on, I thought I heard Allie cry out. Maybe she needs a diaper change.” Casey, removed his ball cap, scratched his left ear, and craned his neck towards the back room. Everyone quieted for a second until Pat broke the silence with a snort.

“Jesus, is this poker night or daycare? Deal the cards, Casey. The kid’ll scream if she wants you. Or we’ll smell her, though that could be difficult over the stink of your dirty socks. Do you ever do laundry?” He gestured towards a clothes hamper heaped in the corner of the room.

“Dude, cut me some slack. It’s my weekend and you guys agreed to play poker here. You have a kid, or wife, or both and see if you have a life.”

Gary chimed in on Casey’s behalf. “Yeah, next week the poker party’s at my place. Sherry said I’ve got to watch the boys while she goes out.”

“At least your boys are old enough to fetch beer.” Pat said. “No dirty diapers involved.”

Rick piped up. “Casey, man, how can you stand the smell and mess? No way am I dealing with diapers. If Liz wants a kid, she’s got the whole clean-up duty. Our dog is gross enough sometimes.”

“You’ll change your mind when your little one is screaming. It’s something you do – the fun playtimes and then the gross bathroom times. Try not to be in charge after the kid’s eaten carrots. I gotta say that orange shit grosses me out.” Casey shook his head and folded.

The group groaned. Casey got up to officially check on Allie. He came back with a grin on his face.

“Rick…any of you guys… you’ll do whatever it takes to make life perfect for your baby. Allie’s sweet little sleeping finger grabbed mine as I tucked her pink blanket. She knows her daddy is looking out for her.” Casey headed to the phone. “Hey, who wants pizza? I’m starving.”

Pizza arrived after some fast poker hands. The young men, all in their twenties, adjourned to the sagging couches. Balancing paper plates and a fresh round of beer, they turned the conversation back to marriage and children. Casey had the youngest kid, Allie, who was eight months old. He and the mother never married and were now seeing other people. With no formal arrangements, the two managed to share child duties and swapped weekends and holidays without too much animosity.

Gary was the long-time married fellow. After three years of marriage, Sherry became pregnant with twins. The boys were now four years old. Rick, a newlywed, still got grief from the gang for tying the knot. Jack, Ray, Luis, and Tim, footloose and uncommitted, rounded out the crew. Tim married and divorced after high school with no children involved.

“I skated in and out of marriage, guys, and it’ll be a long time before I fall into that trap again,” Tim, his long blond hair hanging in his face, said before taking a huge bite of pepperoni. “No wife, no kids, no one telling me what to do or where to be.”

“Yeah, and no sex either, buddy,” Ray piped up. “With that attitude, no woman is going to want to date your selfish butt. And when are you getting a haircut, geez?”

Luis, flashed a wide smile, and agreed, “ I act like I want kids and all. That opens the dating pool. The bad part’s if a woman already has a kid.”

Nick nodded. “I fell hard for a woman at the store across from mine. She was fine, long black hair and a figure like…bam! We’d go out after the mall closed – dinner, partying, whatever. I had no idea for two months that she had a one year old and another rugrat.”

Simultaneously, the guys asked, “How’d you find out?”

“Damn,” Nick resumed and leaned forward. “We came back to her house one Sunday and there stood her mother with both urchins in tow. Turns out, Mom watched the kids out in California while Angela got back on her feet from a divorce. Guess the mom figured out from telephone chats that Angela was up and dancing on her toes. I probably set a new track record for how fast I peeled out of there.”

“Do you still see Angela at the mall?” Jack asked.

“Nah. I heard she got a transfer to a store near her mother. Poor woman looked beat down. I saw Angela’s image in twenty years, and it wasn’t pretty.” Nick shuddered.

Luis nodded. “These chicas I date are hot. Look at their mothers after cranking out some kids and, man, they get as wide as they are tall. Good cooks and nice ladies, but I have trouble picturing it for myself – a house with a wife and kids.”

“You’ll be a fat fuck too, Luis, so it won’t matter what your wife looks like.” The group exploded with laughter.

Casey came out of the hallway with a wailing Allie in his arms.

“Hey, watch your language around my baby girl. Here, Rick, hold Allie a second while I get her bottle.” He thrust the child at Rick who hesitated, but took her anyway.

“She’s got some lungs on her,” Rick said to no one. “Ssshh, little girl! Your dad’s getting your bottle. You want some beer instead? No, you don’t want to be a lush like your father. And you don’t want to hang with anyone like us.” He jostled her slightly. Allie stopped crying long enough to stare at the new face, then resumed her demand for food.

Poker night ended, and money distributed.

“Who’s ready for some partying? I know a new club that’s awesome.” Tim looked around and recruited Luis, Nick, and Jack. They clapped Casey on the back and shook hands all around. “See ya next week at Gary’s.” The closing door let in a waft of fresh air to the apartment, which smelled of stale beer and cigarette smoke. The guys lit up on the patio, but the tobacco hung on their clothes.

Ray and Gary plopped on the couch with their feet set on the coffee table. Gary picked up the remote and clicked around until he settled on a “World Poker Tour”. Rick still held Allie, and Casey handed him her bottle.

“She won’t break. You can loosen up. Keep her head supported, but she can hold the bottle herself. She’s a princess, like her mother, and will try to let you do all of the work.” Casey helped Rick get situated. All four guys lounged around the television, half watching while discussing poker strategy.

Allie finished her bottle and smiled happily while snoozing on Rick’s lap.

“This isn’t so bad, Casey. She’s a good baby. Are you going to teach her some ball and stuff when she’s older? I’ll help with hoops, since you can’t do a free throw to save your life.”

Gary said, “That’s the best part of kids. I love playing with my boys. They’ll wrestle me until I’m dead tired. They never give up.”

“That would be a blast, “ Rick agreed. “I just can’t get past the diaper phase. Eating and pooping – that’s all kids do in the beginning.” He signaled Casey for another beer and continued. “You know what business this world needs? A diaper drive-thru service!”

Casey, Gary, and Ray looked away from the tube at Rick.

“I’m serious. ‘They Poop, We Scoop’. That’s the slogan. You baby-sit the kid while your woman runs chores or something. Play with the kid, feed the kid. Everything’s going great until you smell something foul. Bundle up the baby, hop in the car, drive up for a number two – poopy diaper change and clean up. Somebody else removes your problem. Back through the window, you are handed a happy angel with a powdered bottom. The kid’s happy. You’re happy. It’s all good.” Rick settled back with a satisfied smile.

“How much would it cost?” Casey asked.

“Hell, I don’t know. I didn’t do a business plan with something that just popped into my brain. But, it’s gotta be worth it. I’d pay.”

The four men looked at each other and nodded.

Ray added, “Hire senior ladies. Grandmothers whose families live out of town…I bet they’d love to snuggle a baby while changing a diaper. Cheap labor. Shit, I think my grandma would hold any baby for free.”

The enthusiasm built, and they were talking over one another.

“Fast lane for number one, wet diaper only.”

“Yeah, and frequent user cards. Nine changes and the tenth one’s free.”

“Women would use this a lot. They might say they wouldn’t; but if they’re out running errands and don’t feel like carrying so much stuff in the bag, they can zoom through with half the neighborhood kids in their van.”

“Hell, most women I know will drive through anything for convenience.”

“Rocking chair section. You drop the kid for a really short time – like a thirty- minute pay scale interval – if the kid’s crying and you can’t stand it anymore. Again, pseudo-granny can rock to her heart’s content and you can run to Starbucks.”

“….Or a bar”

That brought a laugh and clinked bottles.

Two years later, Gary remembered that night and the camaraderie when his wife handed him some mail.

“This looks like a wedding invitation,” said Shelly, “but isn’t your buddy, Rick, already married?” She handed Gary a fat vanilla colored envelope. Gary opened it and started laughing.

“Damn, he did it. We’re invited to the grand opening of his diaper drive-thru business. Remember? We had the chance to invest, but it didn’t fit in the budget. Since the poker group fell apart, I’ve been wondering what everyone’s doing. Look we’ve got a frequent punch card and it’s already been cleared – we can get a diaper change for free.”

“I think the boys are a bit past that now, Gary. I can ask my sister to join us. I’m sure Laurie would get a kick out of passing baby Nicole through a window. I don’t think the child has left her arms since she was born. Is it like a dry-cleaners – they hang the baby on a hook and put it through a system?”

“Hey, don’t laugh until you try it. Let’s go on Saturday. This sounds like fun, and it will be good to see the gang. I bet the other guys got invites. It’ll be a reunion.”

Saturday was a crisp fall day. Pulling up to the Diaper Change Drive-thru, Gary could smell brats cooking on a grill. His boys clamored for some cotton candy before he could stop the car. The carnival atmosphere enveloped everyone as brightly colored balloons thumped in the breeze. The main parking lot was coned off for the festivities and the drive-thru lane was cordoned off with neon pink and blue rope. He and Sherry waved at neighbors and friends – an impressive turnout. Sherry and Laurie wheeled Nicole in one direction, while the boys found the kid play area. Gary joined the old poker gang near the grill.

“Did you invest?”

“No,” Gary said. “Sherry had some surgery about that time. We couldn’t afford it. How about you guys?”

Turned out, Jack kicked in money and was hired to handle the computer software. He expressed enthusiasm for the business. “Rick’s a sharp guy. Apparently, after that poker night he started putting pen to paper and wrote up the business plan. He thought through all the angles. Liz and her family were very supportive. Her father contributed a large sum of money. Insurance almost kicked Rick’s butt, but while it’s a fortune, he’s got it covered. I really think this is going to take off and be a huge success. It’s been a lot of work, but a lot of fun too.”

“Where is Rick hiding, anyway?”

“Finishing touches for the opening ceremony. Wait until you see what he has planned.”

The crowd milled around, drinking fresh-squeezed lemonade and eating the hot funnel cake served by grandmotherly women. A dusting of powdered sugar was on everyone’s lips.

Over the loudspeaker, an orchestral “Rock-a-bye-baby” filled the air. Coming into view floated a parade of stork cars – like the swan boats at a park, only these were storks. They glided through the neon-roped lanes. Each of the first five cars held a driver and two gray haired women. Waving gaily to the crowd, the women were escorted out of the cars and in their sturdy nurse-type shoes, clomped in the front door. Soon their heads popped out of each drive-thru window. The next five cars held a driver and a young woman, obviously holding a baby. These cars pulled up to a window and waited.

With a cloud of smoke and the acrid odor of a stink bomb, Rick appeared from the haze. He announced to the crowd that no smell was too terrible to overcome, no diaper too messy, and no tears too torrential to wipe away. With that, the women held out their babies, all dressed in white with angel wings, to the grandmother workers. Babies were whisked in and out to the applause of the crowd. Now, the smell of baby powder filled the parking lot.

The rest of the afternoon blurred in activity as lines formed for the diaper change service. Everyone admired the interior decor of the building – soothing pastel changing rooms, stuffed animals, and comfortable rocking chairs offered an upbeat atmosphere. Gary, Tim, Luis, Jack, Ray, Casey (with Allie, a curly blonde moppet running at his side), and Nick congratulated Rick on his success. They laughed and shook their heads. After a night of poker, beer, and bullshit – Rick was a full-fledged entrepreneur.

Three Years Later

“Gary, check out this photo in the paper.” Sherry thrust the page in front of his nose. “Your buddy, Rick, opened another batch of diaper change drive-thru locations in Oklahoma, and he just hit a landmark diaper change number. Man, we should have invested in that shit, pardon the expression. I’m actually going to say you were right.”

“Thanks, dear.” Gary gave her a mock frown. He smoothed out the paper and read the article. “Oh, wow. Did you see who was the millionth diaper change? Rick and Liz had triplets. He’s in the right business, that’s for sure – so his kids were number 999,998, 999, and one million. Triplets – that’s a lot of pooping and scooping.”